I’m not grown up yet. I don’t pretend to know everything, but I do generally feel more in control than I did when I was 19 or 20… except when I look at pictures from when I was 19 or 20. I really missed something there. How can I regret something so much when the actual chances of it ever working were almost zero to begin with. Let’s be clear. I am over it. I wasn’t thinking about anyone until I decided to write about random music memories (a post I never completed). I thought it’d be fun to remind myself of small, relatively innocuous, moments from my life that I associate with a song or album or band. Turns out it just reminded me of a picture from 2005 of two friends and me sitting on a beach in Santa Cruz. I haven’t seen the picture for years, but I remember it vividly. So I went looking for said picture and just dug up tons of memories from when I was socially happier. It’s a weird dichotomy because overall I was very unhappy at the time, yet it was my most socially enjoyable period and I miss certain aspects of that (when I say socially active, it means I hung out with the same 4 or 5 people all the time). I could never find a balance though. I realized that even back in high school. If I could hang out with someone, I would, every single time. Which means I wouldn’t get anything else done. I think it goes back to wanting to live a Bukowski-esque life. Being a complete mess was the most romantic lifestyle. I had no hope or future back then, but I did have some amazing friends. Sometimes, I so badly want to go back.
But what is it about this specific time? It must be different in some way because there are other people I’ve fallen out with. They were very important to me too, but I don’t feel this pained when I think about them. I’m able to happily enjoy the memories of these people without attaching the miserable realization that we are no longer friends.
I always was rather proud of my ability to look back at people and not have any negative feelings toward them, even if we had a bad end. I can talk about old friends and be happy I had those people in my life even if something stupid happened later. I don’t hate or regret my past relationships, not even the girls that broke my heart, or did something I considered shitty at the time (which includes breaking my heart). So why is this bothering me?
Maybe it’s because I never “replaced” them. In my junior year of high school I lost all my friends, and moved to a new group of friends. It’s a long story that I’d rather not get into at the moment. Point being, I lost three very close friends, that were eventually replaced with five very close friends. A few years after graduating from high school, I lost four of those friends and replaced them with a desire to make myself as smart as possible. I know what you’re thinking. ‘It must not be working, he sounds like an idiot.’ True. I study science not writing. I’m trying though, no need to be rude. I now have two people I can confidently call friends. I have about three people I can probably hang out with every once in awhile but never really talk about anything meaningful with them.
I never actually thought about this possibility before but it sounds like a reasonable explanation.
Memories aren’t made as often. Everyone has stories they can call up in a conversation. “This one time…” All of my stories are getting old.
I guess I’ve gone to the other extreme. I ignored everything except my friends, and was terrified of the future. Now I have responsibilities and goals and no friends, and I’m often lonely. Although, I was lonely back then, too.
Like I said, I brought this stupid nostalgia on myself… damn, I wish I didn’t think about that picture. I’m an idiot.
And you know what, fuck you… well not you, but fuck… it, or whatever… I don’t want to be an adult. Goddamn it. I like this. I like being unhappy and confused and annoyed and everything else. I like it because I love people. I love life. This is a part of life. I’d rather feel discontent than be blind to what’s going on or place importance on stupid, worthless, meaningless bullshit. The world is full of throw away people, throw away ideas, and throw away goals. I’d rather struggle. I’m never gonna be lukewarm.
My mind is full of images of people I really, really loved and really, really, goddamn really, miss.
Well, there’s some mindless rambling for everyone. If you made it to this point, good work! I can only imagine how difficult it was to get through. I’ll leave you with a song that 14 year old me loved a lot. And it still makes me happy… or okay with being sad. Either way, it’s an improvement!
Not really sure how to post videos so here’s a link if it doesn’t work and you are actually interested
Every day seems the same to me
I sit around and think about how alone I feel
then I wind up rather enjoying loneliness because it’s the comfort of being sad-
sometimes it feels so right
and sometimes I’d like to be around no one for ten straight years
but I know this feeling can’t bring me places
and I know I’m losing lots of ground
but to keep up means to get up
and why does it have to be
the world keeps on changing while I just stay the same?
I feel like being down doesn’t mean enough to anyone anymore
and I guess the world has made emotion obsolete
and I don’t think I feel the same ’cause after all
who says what happy really means?
Tonight I will redefine everything and tomorrow I will start in on my better days
and to each their own definition of happiness
but no one ever reaches it so I don’t think I’ll breathe that way
but happiness is when there’s nowhere left to go