I’ve often wondered what it’d be like to occupy the mind of someone who parks in two spaces, gets out of the car and thinks, “that’ll do.”

The first thing you say to someone in the morning should not be, “I had a weird memory of you existing last night.”

Upon waking, DO sing, “Do you want to build a snowman?” to the person sleeping next to you. It’s adorable.

DON’T tell other people you sing “Do you want to build a snowman? It doesn’t have to be a snowman… ok bye.” to your cat in the middle of the day while laying face down on the floor in your boxers. It’s less adorable.

It appears to me that many people are under the impression that when I say “I don’t understand what you meant by that.” I’m displaying a lack of understanding, but really I’m trying to politely tell them that they have not sufficiently explained what they mean. Or, more plainly put, the idea they are relating to me is bordering on being so wrong it doesn’t make logical sense (which is the truth in most cases). Saying something like that to a scientist is a pretty big burn.

The first time I say “right on” to a person I worry for a brief second that the person I’m talking to is a fan of early Anti-Flag and will guess the dismissive connotation. However, “right on” has become a part of my commonly called upon phrases and the sarcasm is no longer carried in those words when I use them. Oh, the unnecessary panic in my mind, no one listens to Anti-Flag. RIIIIIIGHT ON!

(In case you don’t know the song I’m referring to, which is likely, the chorus goes a little something like this, “‘RIGHT ON’ that’s the phrase, to the fucked up stupid things you say, we say ‘RIGHT ON!'” The song quotes actual things people said to them (ex. “Punk rock? Isn’t that the type of music where kids cut each other with razor blades and knives?”). It’s funny, especially to a 13 year old weirdo.)

I always miss the second ‘n’ in synonym. I know it’s there but I almost unfailingly miss hitting the key the second time. Manual dexterity isn’t what it should be.


I Had to Write This Down

I’m reading a book called Death & Sex. It’s neatly laid out so that if you start reading from the front or back you will read about either Sex or Death (ie there is no back, just two fronts).


This handy picture (if I did things right) will better display what I mean.

The Death half of the book was good fun, but the Sex half is even better (isn’t sex always better than death?). I’m getting into a section discussing morality, and the lack of it in natural selection and came across something I needed to share.

“Natural selection is amoral. The kinkiest humans are utterly unimaginative next to the sexual variety on display in the animal world. Which dysfunctional human family is comparable to the behavior of Adactylidium, the nasal mites whose mothers give rise to 99 percent females? Inside the mite’s womb, one unborn male inseminates all his unborn sisters, then dies. The incestuously impregnated females grow, eating their mother’s body from the inside out to provide themselves with nourishment. They are born pregnant, beginning the cycle again.”

So there you have it. Did you want it? I doubt it. Share with friends. Be a hit at your next dinner party or, if you’re younger, drug infused rave, where a story of this nature might be better received.

a little BTW for, you can see my Kurt Vonnegut print in the background of that picture. The quote is,

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies – God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”

I Had to Write This Down

Not Philosophy

I had an obvious dream in which I was trying to climb a mountain that got more steep with every step. And by the end it had become a ladder, but the last rung was impossible to hold. I could touch it. I could feel it, but I couldn’t pull myself to the top. It was right there. Right in front of me. Each time I tried to reach it, the top of the mountainous ladder drifted away from me. The world was stretching from me, its center point. Everything was receding. Disappearing beyond my visible horizon. Til I was left holding on to existence by grasping a single metal piece of mountain. One that had previously been so near the top of everything. So near the end. The destination that never was supposed to matter. Somewhere, somehow, I got wrapped up in the end point. I was a state variable. I was enthalpy. I was independent of the path. Once, I was within reach. I was almost done. And I couldn’t reach.

The obvious dream. Something is holding me back. Preventing me from obtaining my goals. Probably fear to take the last step. But that’s wrong. The last step would be the one into the fire that will destroy my body and mind. Extinguish my consciousness, forever. I’m not taking my last step, yet.

I should have jumped. I don’t belong on the ladder at all. I belong on the ground. Below everyone. Finding my way without worrying about my place in the world. Status. A ladder. Climbing. Competing. I’ll be better than the version of me from an hour ago. Solipsism may be flawed, but why let that stop a decent idea? Maybe you all aren’t creations of my consciousness, but you aren’t my concern. You aren’t my enemy, either. No one can hurt me as much as I hurt myself. No one knows my failings better then I do. The rest drifts away.

I’m running in a race with every version of me that has ever existed. It’s when I fall behind the past that I need to be scared. Progress will slow, and almost stop. But even a crawl counts as movement.

I jump off the ladder into the nothingness that surrounds me. I’m no longer scared of the dark or the unknown. The top of the mountain has no special meaning to me. It holds no answers. It knows no secrets. A pure symbol of frailties. A programmed desire, drilled into me. My objective since birth.

I must succeed.

I must assume I know what it means to succeed. Even though I never found a satisfying definition, I must assume it’s universal.

There was something wrong with this mountain. It never should have existed in the first place. And now in the nothingness, the world returns. Contracting faster than it vanished. Everything contains something. It all has meaning if I want it to. As long as I decide.

This dream meant nothing. Everything means nothing until I give it significance. In the end, it’s a decision for me. Nothing intrinsic.

Not Philosophy

It’s late.

It’s always late, or early. It’s never right. The past and the future. My focus is always on one or the other. Never right now. Never you. And I have to admit the horrible truths in me. How truly awful I am. But I’m afraid to say it without justification. Without qualifiers. “But you’d do the same!” I scream. “No one acknowledges how good things really are! We always forget.” But it doesn’t matter, really. I’m screaming to myself. And whether it’s true or not, I’m not any happier. I wake up the same me. The one that wishes he was better but devolves into the creature from last night again tonight.

I’m an odd mix of chaos and rationality. Calm, cool reasoning and relentless fear. Or the other way around. Let’s bathe in our contradictions. So deep, we can’t feel the bottom.

Does it make me better because I talk about them?

I keep repeating that I’m not like them while relating my most horrific behaviors, and how it prevents me from sleeping at night. Or maybe the sleeping came first and I do anything I can to forget what’s happening inside. The conflict is forgotten when there’s an external distraction. Whoever she might be this time.

And each time I’m convinced this will never happen again.

so, what am I talking about? Mistakes? Selfishness?

I’m everything bad, but I’m more than that. Or less than that? I’m a perfect representation of a flawed human being.

Let’s Share!

You don’t have to tell me how easy it is to scroll past a post about music. Rather than hope you decide to stop and click on a song I think is super groovy, why don’t we trade? I’m posting up a few songs that I’ve been into recently. These artists aren’t too well known, so hopefully it turns you on to something new. (I could post The Beatles, but feel that would be redundant for most people.) Or you can hate it.

But the trade could work like this. Check out the songs I post, or one of the songs, or 10 seconds of one of the songs, whatever you want, and post a song or songs that you currently love. It can even be The Beatles if you like. The great part of this trade is you can participate however you want. Just listen to a song, love it or hate it, and continue on with the rest of your day. Or scroll past the videos, like so many of us tend to do, and post a song you just wish more people knew about. I’m happy to listen.

Laura Stevenson. Love her album Wheel. Probably not the best vocal performance of hers, but I love it. Song sort of hits home…

Switching gears to a little something called post-rock (for reasons I don’t understand). It’s mainly instrumental. It’s impressive. It’s a good time.

Looks like I sort of have a type, huh? ha. Sounds a bit country on this song, and her previous albums are more singer/songwriter-y, but her most recent album is more rock-centric. I only just got into her so I don’t know much. I love her voice and melodies.

Do you like your emo with a lot more 90’s? Are you a Mineral fan who rues the day Jimmy Eat World discovered they can write a hell of a pop song?Then this is the band for you. Break out your ill fitting Sunny Day Real Estate and Texas is the Reason t-shirts and enjoy this trip to the past.


Alright well there are some songs that I have been listening to a lot lately (actually those are songs from albums I’ve been listening to a lot but I figure I’m already pushing it with 4 minute songs).

What have you been listening to? Any old or new favorites?

Let’s Share!