The Anxious Mind in Love

When I get uncomfortable I need to ask why it feels that way. Is there something truly wrong, or am I not prepared?

I’ve been trying to be better. When I see the road, I want to hide. Last week I tried to stay put and needed to force myself to move. I was sick, worried I had a heart attack, worried about death, and the social world. It was too much but I want to make you happy. When I see you try, I realize how much I can’t do. The most carefree moments cause me so much pain. Hours scare the shit out of me.

Everything I do has meaning. I bury it everywhere because I’m scared of it. It’s all my attempt to be honest and open with you. I don’t want to hide, associate my mind with shame, and live in my own world. I want to explore with you. I’d rather fail with you than live with my thoughts on my own. I’m trying. I’m constantly fighting with myself to override the discomfort of everything. I need to do better.

In a million ways, I’m terrified of withdrawing into myself completely. I have tendencies to keep to myself at every moment that make me always feel like I should be worried I’ll go too far and not be able to return. When I perceive or invent a reason to withdraw, I take it. It requires my mind work to stop searching. Normally a touch of resistance is enough to turn me into a recluse. I’m trying to let you know how flawed I am. I’m trying to understand myself and be patient with every aspect relating to who I am, including your reactions. I need to understand more. I want experiences because of you.

The Anxious Mind in Love

Post Trashed and Recommend a Song!

I wrote something last night and tried to post it but WordPress exploded and I couldn’t figure out what happened. My post somehow moved to private and I couldn’t figure out how to change it back to a draft so I could post it later. I just copied it and pasted it as a new draft, but it seems like there would be a way to move a published post back to a draft to edit it or change it completely.

If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know, it’ll be helpful in the future!

Thank you.

To make this post a little less stupid, I’m asking for more music!

I enjoyed a lot of what I heard last time I did this and would love to have another go.

So please, feel free to a leave a response about the drafts or about a song you love right now, or an all time favorite. I will say I generally like music with guitars and drums, but that’s not a hard line for me.

If you want to make it even, here’s a brand new song for you all. It’s strange as heck but it’s lovely. Her voice is dazzlingly sweet.


I’d love if you checked out the song and gave me your thoughts.

Or didn’t and just tell me some of your favorites.

Post Trashed and Recommend a Song!

40 Days of Music: Day 14 – Heartbroke

Well, this is, I think, three albums in a row that I listened to too often in my teens. Makes the whole review process, which is already a joke, more of a joke. I hear the first note and think of an ex who was a little too ready to fall in love, and the target was more-or-less irrelevant and, unfortunately, me. I can’t help go back to high school when I hear this band. Not only was that when I first heard it, it just fits so perfectly with that age or whenever it was for you when maybe relationships meant more than they should.


Number 27: Dashboard Confessional – The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most (2001)

I think, trying as hard as I can to divorce myself from my memories, that this album has a lot of positives.

It’s the closest thing to a guilty pleasure that I have, in that it is so easy to make fun of, (though I don’t mind admitting that I enjoy it at all). The song/songwriter became a cliché pretty quickly, and being at the forefront, the ever handsome Chris Carrabba was a prime target, playing a major role in the EMO GAME some of you may remember. It’s just so heart-on-my-sleeve songwriting that it’s easy to be cynical about it. And I am a lot of the time. I can hear some things on this album and laugh about it, just how over-the-top dramatic it is. But it’s a specific type of album. It’s made for sitting and listening while thinking about yourself. Why someone left you, how much it sucks to get hurt, and all the rest of the thoughts that come with a painful breakup, which we’ve all probably experienced at some point. The trouble with being based on an experience is the music itself becomes less important. If it’s doing nothing more than providing a soundtrack for your emotions, then any album that expresses a similar sentiment would do.

That said, the songs are almost universally catchy. Their threadbare, acoustic tracks that wouldn’t sound out-of-place on the radio. My favorite songs are the ones with a full band. The instrumentation is actually impressive. The drummer grooves and is super smooth. His playing is subtle but ear catching. (The part in The Good Fight is especially fun. And he’s the reason, along with Dredg, I started playing a massive bass drum.)  Carrabba can sing pretty well and goes for it, including making his voice as ugly as possible when it fits with the purpose of the lyric.

I do wonder if The New Amsterdams album Worse For The Wear is a slightly more mature version of Dashboard and maybe deserved this place (or Paramore‘s for goodness sake). The arrangements are a little more complex and the subject matter of the lyrics doesn’t get stale since more is left to the imagination. Fair play though, Dashboard did so much more for the scene, making it on MTV and all that.

40 Days of Music: Day 14 – Heartbroke

I hate superheroes

I don’t usually rant about pop culture stuff (maybe I do, maybe I’m a liar, fact-check me), but I can’t stand these superhero movies. If you met me in 4-10th grade, I would have been the prime market for these nerdy comic book things. I still read comic books to this day (and have one upstairs waiting for me, which sounds oddly sexual), but I cannot get into this madness. It’s madness. People are spending hundreds of millions of dollars to make some idiot pretend fly. The money is madness. But beyond that, the stories are boring. No matter how well made these damn movies are, they are the exact same thing with different colors and logos. How many times will the world almost be destroyed? How many times will simplified evil people come up with ridiculous schemes to reach whatever absurd ends they have in mind? Death, power, destruction, money, didn’t we outgrow these stories? I understand that big budget, crazy popcorn action movies will always be the highest grossing movies of the year, but when did the “nerds” jump on board? My little world always consisted of people who liked indie flicks and could occasionally pop in a mindless action movie and have fun. That’s what “The Fast and the Furious” movies are for. But at some point, instead of just admitting that we’re watching mindless action with people in costumes, we want to classify these movies as something more. Something better than the action movies some dumb, typical, movie goer likes. But  we’re lying. They are dumb, big movies that are sometimes a lot of fun. They aren’t anything more than that. I would contend that “The Fast and the Furious” movies (especially 5 and 7) are better than any Marvel or DC movie that has come out since “The Dark Knight.” Every time a new comic book movie comes out we treat them like they are “LA Confidential” or “Roshoman.” We take them so seriously. It’s painful. They are better made versions of “The Transformers.” I don’t understand why we treat them so much differently. I don’t understand why the discussions about Batman V Superman are more in depth than the ones about The Raid. Thin characters? Who cares? Convoluted plot? Who cares?

Turn it on and tune out for two hours. That’s what these movies exist for. They aren’t changing the world. They aren’t revealing universal truths. And they shouldn’t be expected to do so.

I hate superheroes

The Underdog Story

Many things we experience are shallow. We only have the most basic understanding of what we see, and for good reason. There is too much in the world to learn everything, understand everything, experience everything. So when we hear about a new song, a new band, a new book, a new movie, we have to be able to quickly assess if it’s worth our time because we can’t listen to every band, read everything book, or watch every movie. We have to discriminate. We get as little information as we need to decide if we’ll enjoy an experience.

Which brings me to this song that people probably won’t listen to, but even if they do, they won’t think too hard about.

And that’s a shame.

This song and video perfectly sum up life for musicians. It’s a life most people outside of music never think about, but it’s incredibly relatable. Most people don’t think about the hours upon hours spent on the road between shows, the driving through the night, the terrible conditions, the lack of sleep, the soul crushing experience of playing to next to no audience, etc.

I think, if given a chance, most people can relate to this story. Whatever it is you’re doing, it probably isn’t easy. There’s probably a lot of failing and a lot of fear that it’ll never work out. But it’s more than that because it’s not a simple story. It’s not Katy Perry talking about being a tiger. It’s their life. It’s real people experiencing what we all experience. The drudgery of trying to do something.

This song is basically a song about perseverance, but without some glorious payoff. It’s just a song about life. Hitting a wall in whatever you’re trying to do.

“We’ve had some dark days, we’re in the thick of it now.”

Working to overcome it but never seeing any progress until you feel you have nothing left to give.

“We’re wasting away, bit by bit.”

But realizing that this isn’t going to stop you.

“Oh it was cold but still it wasn’t cold enough, to freeze the blood beneath my spine, and at least I survived.”

You can be repeatedly beaten down, but keep going anyway. Maybe because you’re foolish. Maybe because you don’t know what else to do. Maybe because all the dark days were fun. Not in some overly romantic way. They sucked. Losing sucks. Failing sucks. But in between the suck were experiences you never thought you’d have. Relationships that you wouldn’t have formed without dragging yourself, being dragged, dragging others through the shit thrown at you. You don’t become a tiger at the end of it, because it never really ends. There will probably be more dark days, and maybe that’s the only thing you’ll get in life. But it sometimes seems like the entire point of it all is to keep going as long as you can survive.

That’s not exactly an in-depth review of the song, but it’s what is often passed over in the moment of judgment, the moment of discrimination to get on with your day. The backstory of a band that you would never know if you didn’t stop for a moment to listen. A story that relates to everyone, even if you never touched an instrument.

If just given some time, most people have stories to tell. And many are worth listening to.

The Underdog Story