Run Into The Ground

I’m trying to hang on to ideas when everything around me seems to be falling apart in an melodramatic, operatic way. Before I start complaining I should preemptively acknowledge my position in the world. It’s unfair to an absurd degree. It’s embarrassing that one of my primary concerns is being intellectually stimulated. Oh, and a need for variety. I think my awareness of this is fairly high. But whether that makes my complaining any more dignified is up for debate. I’d venture a guess that it doesn’t.

This is one of those times when little things seem to be piling up and are unusually dense. The same amount I could pick up with ease two weeks ago is pinning me to the floor. Last week I believe I had a flu or a sinus infection or something similar. I slept almost the entire day, two days in a row. Felt miserable any time I breathed. Sore throats make life almost literally unbearable. Existing, without any additional movement or thought, is a pain in the ass. It hurts. Throats are often ignored, except in certain movies, but they are sure as hell important and often used in our daily lives. Have a sip of water or a bite of food without one. Think about how frequently we swallow to rid of that excess saliva. A constant source of annoyance.

Then, I started feeling better and proceeded to do my knee in. It’s gone. Going on four full days laid up in bed with only small excursions outside. Have to limp to get food or water or go to the bathroom, which makes all three seem nonessential. Showers are also an unneeded excess, and consist of me standing under the water and lamely washing all the parts of my body I can reach without bending my left knee. Unless I want to navigate my way to the floor to wash my legs in the sitting position. Sort of like the old sit and reach from middle school PE.

But, hey, guess I can take comfort in the fact that I’m still sick. Which drains me even faster than being in pain alone would.

I can’t imagine what being sick feels like to an infant. It’s this insane, invisible pain. Muscles ache. Your body feels out of your control. You can still feel the dull aches from everywhere, arms, neck, head, legs, throat, back, shoulders, but everything is delayed and heavy. Burdens put on you by something outside yourself. Betrayed by what you thought belonged to you. A transplant that hasn’t quite taken. A baby barely has control over his or her body and it’s already fighting them.

 

There’s not much going on right now, and that’s the source of my disintegration. Any small thing I want to do, work, play, read, sing, etc. all hurt. I can’t get outside because I’m tired from feeling ill and in pain from the knee. Even the most innocuous hold up is a major event right now. Getting dressed requires effort and it’s effort I don’t have in reserve at the moment. An incremental deviation from the norm right now is massive when it’s put on top of a huge pile of frustration.

It’s just that sometimes reading and thinking about child labor, studying philosophy, thinking about morality, origins, how to live, and the brain doesn’t satisfy a basic and simple desire to take a walk.

Advertisements
Run Into The Ground

Unorganized

I feel like I have a lot to say, but I’m not sure what exactly it is. Some large, meaningful idea is running away from me. Some breakthrough is being playfully, but obnoxiously, elusive. My mind is a child playing hide and seek when I would just like to lie down. My mind is running on full speed when the rest of me wants to shut off.

I think I may also be recovering from very mild heat exhaustion. (Just learned heatstroke is very serious and though I’ve heard it used often, it must have always been colloquial.) I’m worn out. My body aches and I have a slight headache. More of a consciousness dulling. Catching up to my thinking is suffering more than anything. The physical pain is limited.

Every thought I’m having is 5 seconds ahead of me. By the time it arrives at my fingertips, it has vanished. But it’s not as though my mind is racing. The thinking is normal. The translation has simply slowed.

 

Unorganized

You

I wanted you in a fairly specific way, I’m afraid. I’d like not to have to make this confession, but I couldn’t help it. I instantly found you beautiful and lost hold of myself just as quickly. I put you in a box in my head. Your existence to me was limited by my limited thinking. I ignored all the ways you excelled to focus on what I wanted to see. At best, I acknowledged your greatness to enhance my own beliefs. I was actually preventing myself from seeing the extent of beauty that existed. I wanted only you and only in the way I imagined you to be. I couldn’t break out of my own mindset. I couldn’t remove how I felt to properly examine what was happening. Or see if I was making a mistake other than shrinking you.

I’d offer you an apology but I don’t know how to word it. I’m sorry I can’t control how I feel. I did my best to hide it, to keep it to myself, but emotions eventually bubble up to the surface and I had to admit it to someone. I thought you were the best candidate. I’m trying to be honest, but I’m forced to be honest about something I wish I didn’t think. I don’t want to judge instantly. I don’t want to put definition on how the world works. But I do it all the time and I did it to you.

Hopefully, I didn’t do any damage to you, but I know I did myself some. My worldview is tiny because of how quickly I try to define it.

You

Clarifying Me

When I think about who I am now, I can see how I got here. There was a smooth transition. Sort of how I never felt taller. The tiny increments aren’t noticeable on their own. It’s only when I jump years back that I realize I was 2 feet tall at one point.

My thoughts on everything from religion to free will have changed shape to the point where they are no longer recognizable as my own. Had I woken up with these ideas as a 19 year old, it might be accurate to be considered an entirely separate person.

Many of us value our thoughts as a defining feature of what makes me, me. Some may point to their religion. Some may point to their feelings about their families. But it’s highly likely that your views have morphed over the years. Even if your opinions deepened and are more resolved, they aren’t the same as they were. And trying to explain what you think now to a model of you from ten years ago, would probably fail. There literally is no reasoning with some of our thoughts.

Think about what you hold most dear. Your most cherished belief. Your pet theory. Ideally we would all be open to abandon this idea if an obvious and glaring error in our thinking was revealed to us. But being prepared to leave that part of you behind is harder than it sounds. You would place yourself in the precarious position of having, at best, a loose idea of yourself. Fully accepting that what you hold close can, and in some cases should, be cast off is an uncomfortable thought. But to not accept it is to turn a blind eye to reality.

For example

The statistics on marriage say that it is very possible your marriage will end in divorce. But hardly any couples arrive on their wedding day with that possibility in mind. In their heads, it’s not a possibility at all. They are special. They are different. They may say a prenuptial cheapens marriage. Why? No real reason, except getting one acknowledges the chance it may happen to them. The risk of failure. If you went and asked most divorce people if they thought they’d get a divorce back on their wedding day, you might hear some explanations of how they secretly knew it was doomed from the beginning. But this is likely all hindsight. Ask someone on their wedding day if they think they will get divorced, and after being slapped for being extremely rude, you’ll probably hear them say that there’s no chance. No one out there should be an asshole and walk around telling people they might get divorced, but it shows how badly we want to hold on to ideas we hold dear. Like the idea that love, especially our love, is undying and magical. Maybe the more cynical among us have already abandoned this idea and it was probably rough. There was probably a relationship that required a fair amount of time and effort to recover from. That experience set you up to be more realistic and practical in your approach. Before that, telling a young you of your new-found jaded views on love, he or she would dismiss you.

We probably all know someone who believes in something completely but is hopelessly wrong. Usually it’s not a huge deal, but sometimes it leads to bad relationships lasting too long. Like when your friend believes the person will change in time. We shake our heads at our sad friends, but we are the same. Maybe not the most utilitarian out there, but most of us hold on to the idea that there is a concrete “me” somewhere. “Me” who loves ____. Or “Me” who believes in ___. The thought of being separated from the ends of those sentences is like destroying a piece of what makes you who you are. It feels impossible.

 

PS – again, no edits. Apologies.

Clarifying Me

It’s coming from inside the house!

I feel beaten by nothing at all
Eyes and mouths look evil
And ghosts are pummeling me

I can imagine taking turns
Wearing winter in my veins
It still flows but it slows down
My bones crack and muscles strain

I’m strangling something invisible
Hanging fear on a lamp post
Maintaining movement in my limbs

Another minute missed by my selfish mind
Another love lost in limiting insecure lies
Another day damaged by damning and done

Invisible and jammed
Killing and laughing

A joke.

It’s a celebration.
A lonely, lonely celebration.

It’s coming from inside the house!

Children, Again.

Why do terrible people decide to have children so often? (generally speaking) is it because they have zero foresight? Do they not understand what happens when you have sex without any form of protection? I’d ask if it was linked to abstinence only education, but I’m including people I went to school with and we didn’t get abstinence only education. Are they simply unable to think about anything beyond the present? Are forms of protection against their beliefs? Do they somehow think they are wonderful people? How could that be possible when they are yelling constantly, in volatile relationships, and selfish beyond comprehension (being selfish isn’t intrinsically bad, but it is when you have responsibilities to others)? Do they think children will fix their messed up lives? Do they think children will fix their messed up relationships? Do they think their purpose in life is to have children even if they don’t particularly want them or want to care for them? Do they truly hold the belief that they do love their children while viciously and unnecessarily berating them?

After the first child, why do they keep having children?

I’m sure we all have plenty of examples of terrible people with kids. Here’s the one on my mind at the moment. Someone used to briefly live near me with multiple children. Ages ranging from ~18 to ~5. The older kids were fuck ups. The younger kid was frequently yelled at and crying. I doubt I’m alone in witnessing people who seem to hate their children, yet for some reason, have 4 or 5. What is happening?

The decision to have children is something I’ve labored over for years. Meanwhile it seems like these children inexplicably appear for these people. No thought or debate. No conversations. Almost magic. Almost as if they didn’t have a choice in the matter.

Or they are exceptionally delusional.

“Hey babe, you know how we’re always yelling at each other and breaking up, how our relationship is on the brink of total disaster constantly, how we aren’t financially secure enough to live any one place for over a couple months, and how we more or less hate each other? Why don’t we have a child to share this with?”

“OHHHH, lovely idea. But why not 6?”

And they lived happily ever after.

Children, Again.

Headache/migraine

10000 years ago, do you think people in their twenties worried about how many teeth they’d have 30 years in the future?*

What about going bald?

Going grey?

Here I am worried about what position I sleep in because I don’t want to wake up with a sore elbow. I’ve done one too many google searches on the best position to sleep in. Which is to say I’ve done one google search. You think all these years of experience would have hinted at the best way to sleep.

 

I had/have a horrible headache today. The sort that makes moving, noise, and light equivalent to medieval torture. Add the fact that I was a passenger in a car for over two hours, and I was wishing for death or some more temporary form of unconsciousness.
When I got home I shut all the blinds, turned off the lights, buried my head with pillows, and did my best to remain motionless. My cat decided this was the best time to meow at my face. He lost interest after a few minutes and kept me company while I tried to commit mental suicide. An hour or so later I fell asleep. I just woke up and can’t tell if I still have a headache or if my brain is just sore. It feels like my head was repeatedly punched. I don’t know if it’s always the same, but when I broke my arm, the initial pain soon died down and my arm was just throbbing for a day or two. That’s what it feels like in my head.
I don’t know if it was a migraine. That word is thrown around a little much for my taste. The difference between a headache and migraine isn’t very clear, so I leave migraine for people who truly suffer. Whatever it was, this was one of the worst I’ve ever had. I still feel my brain, which isn’t something you should feel often. I’m fairly certain we don’t have pain receptors in our brains so I don’t know what I’m feeling. Guess I don’t know much about headaches. If my brain wasn’t tying to kill itself, I’d go read about it. Instead, I’ll spend the rest of the night laying down, not able to sleep, wishing I could read a damn book without a pounding pain interrupting every other word.
Oh, I had a few visual hallucinations, too. It was kinda neat. That’s the one redeeming quality of migraines. After reading about hallucinations associated with migraines in Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks, I’ve been curious. I’d like to believe it wasn’t a power of suggestion type of thing. Could be. But, point for me, I’ve had headaches since reading that and never had any hallucinations until now. Might be legitimate. It was just lights. Nothing too impressive. Think they’re called auras. I love the power of our brains. Get a couple V1 cells to fire and I’m seeing things that don’t exist. Seeing is believing!

 

I had a dream I was dating a friend of mine. I don’t know why, I’m not particularly interested in her. Then again, she’s a cool, young, attractive person of the opposite sex, which is the sex I happen to be interested in, so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. Although, the strange part is the dating. I didn’t dream of doing sex with her (that’s how adults say it, right?). We were more or less hanging out like any other day but the dream was implying that we were dating. One of those dream facts that isn’t expressed, but somehow known. Like when a weird stranger is your brother in a dream even though no one says “hey, it’s me, your brother.”

I can’t seem to have a female friend without thinking about marrying her. Even if it’s just to imagine what it would be like, not because I’m planning when and how to propose. (I already know how I’m going to propose. An elaborate hostage situation with her parents.) I don’t know what that is, I’m not especially keen on getting married at all. Besides the legal benefits, (btw can those be obtained with a common law marriage? Follow up; why are common law marriages only recognized in a few states in America? Similar policy worldwide?) all marriage does is make it more annoying to break up. Oh, and involve families, which is never fun. I’m not interested in a blood feud.

I’m not sure I understand the need for marriage. I hear it shows commitment which is a trait people find romantic. I don’t know why it’s more special to be legally bound to someone rather than simply emotionally bound. Yeah, they can pack up and leave any time, but if that is a serious worry for you then maybe the person you’re with isn’t a great pick.

A lot of people say it’s for the families. The whole rigmarole of a wedding, more stress than it’s worth, but parents love it.

I think I’m fairly romantic, but formal events never struck me as exceptionally moving. I’m not craving the prospect of spending way too much money for people to stare at me while I declare undying love for someone, then spend hours having my picture taken, presumably without a touch up artist on the wings, only to awkwardly dance to music that would be unacceptable at any other time. And the table set up is so weird sometimes. I went to a wedding last year and talked to the bride for about 30 seconds and the groom less than that. At least they were eating with their best friends at their table. The wedding before that the bride and groom sat alone. How boring. (I know these aren’t hard and fast rules, I’m just talking about stuff I’ve seen.)

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, headaches. Those are fun, eh?

 

 

*I’m no grammar expert, but it seems putting “10000 years ago” at the end of the questions makes more sense. In my opinion, that makes the sentence very odd to read so I put it at the beginning. Hope you can forgive me if it is wrong.

Headache/migraine