You want what’s easy,
never worked or grown,
life is too short you think,
to make any effort at all.
you looked at the water,
dipped a toe in and pretended to swim,
told stories of commitment,
you never committed to at all.
what’s below the surface?
you’ve never cared to find out,
just scan quickly and flee,
So you’ll never have to doubt,
who you are or what,
questions ask too much.
just stay on the surface,
where you’re safe, it’s scary beneath,
and imagine you’ve tried,
while you stay right where you were.
I honestly can’t believe you did this to me,
it seems your goal was to make me cry,
just to prove you can,
to show your power,
to bring in and reject,
You came to eat away the layers,
in attempt to find meaning,
but left just as quickly,
unconcerned for me.
it was so easy for you.
i wonder what it’s like,
to throw things away so easily,
and act without remorse,
that I might be human.
So it goes,
I repeat to myself,
Every morning when my eyes don’t want to open.
I imagine what infinity might look like.
Or what eternity might feel like.
And I wish for one less second.
Earth’s orbit speeds up,
The year ends,
The world resets.
Or the past saves me from the future.
I touch connections that break down.
They were weak and unused.
Instead, I follow melodies in my mind,
To color pictures I draw,
Replacing memories with scenes,
And lines I didn’t write.
I want to steal from you.
I want to steal all of you.
I want to destroy myself.
When I was seven I started writing about myself,
I’ve been on the look an identity ever since.
I learned my name and decided that it meant something.
I made assumptions.
there should be answers.
I need a place to exist,
i want to the world to acknowledge me,
or I’ll feel this small and temporary forever.
and I know I’m small and temporary,
and I won’t live forever.
I started walking when i couldn’t find where I began,
then called it home wherever I settled down.
I found I’m fluid when I couldn’t keep a certain shape,
I’m curved or crooked or broken,
whichever you prefer.
I study definitions to try to locate mine,
a sense of self I lost when I left my childhood behind.
There’s a child missing in me.
I’m trying to find the man,
but he’s not visible in how I think and act and am.
I wonder what you’d call me.
I think of the past and remember what you called me.
But now it’s me calling out,
There are no words.
I thought the only way to live an honest life was to be completely alone.
I tried to remove every influence,
Every idea that could trick my mind,
Make me believe in something comforting,
And strip meaning from life,
I watch people move in arbitrary directions,
Randomness dictate decisions,
And hopeless grasps for power,
I watch myself lean towards what I would reject,
Choices I would never make,
And wonder who it was.
How many versions of me are there?
Is there a single real one or are they all equally valid?
I can find what I like to imagine as me,
But I am not consistent.
The person who lets me down,
is also me.
I have a mirror,
in which everything I care about exists.
it reflects me back,
and there’s nothing beyond.
My thoughts on all those things,
and the world.
It’s all contained right there.
My whole life,
my entire existence.
You’re in there too.
But you barely fit.
I’ve stuffed everything I can into one head.
Yet I mostly see myself.