At one point I was stronger
I could see the world in front of me
Spread wide and waiting
I was ignorant of nerves
Head down and angry
It was fear transformed and made useful
I was on fire
Moving constantly
But inconsequentially

The little weights add up
I kept putting more on my back
Confident the anger would never abandon me
Confident there would always be a willingness to fight
Never realizing how easy it is to be tired

My legs have given out
I’m losing
You never start a fight you don’t think you can win
And doubt is my new currency
It gives me power but wears me down
Making my bones weak
My ligaments snap
I’m paralyzed and useless
An idea dominates me
Lifts me
Beats me
Destroys parts
Rebuilds others
Shifting until I’m unrecognizable
I’m writing novels, burning them and starting over
Every day
How long will the parameters hold?


Remember High School?

I wish I didn’t sometimes. I found a stack of papers with my painful high school writing all over them. The first one I picked up was a free write for creative writing entitled Jerk. It just talked about how much of an asshole I am. I’m going to dig through the rest of these over the next few days and maybe post or talk about a few.

The picture isn’t intentionally blurry but I’m happy it is.

Remember High School?

More Falling in Love

I started this a while back (maybe a week or two) and forgot about it. I hope to learn some more about my life in really thinking about the answers to these questions. Some smart person thought of them so I figure they must be better than the random surveys that float around the internet.

I stopped after question 5 last time, so I’ll pick up at the most obvious point.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

Let’s unpack this a little. When you’re 30, either your mind or body stops aging. The obvious answer is to keep a young mind. But I feel like it’s a trick. A 30 year old mind isn’t bad but it hasn’t reached its peak. I feel like it’s saying you can’t get better than you were at 30. You can learn and stuff, but you can’t change how your brain processes information. Essentially, it freezes in time. Maybe I’m interpreting it wrong, but that’s how I see it. Without any disease (decent odds), you’re brain is pretty strong late into life. Most of the smart people I read are older (and male and white, but I’m assuming some socialization is the cause of that). Now is that purely experience or some late brain development? My guess is both. I think it’s a safe bet that a 50 year old brain looks different than a 30 year old one. As for the body, I worry a great deal about not being able to move. My limited experience shows me a lot of older people seriously hurt themselves by falling. I have a fair bit of personal experience with this thanks to some lovely grandparents who refuse to use walkers and wheelchairs. (Understandable, really.) True, dementia and such are terrifying (possibly the worst things possible), but the odds aren’t super high. They do increase as you get older, but still, there’s a good chance I won’t get it. So it comes down to weighing the risks.

a) Choose a young brain and never mature past a 30 year old. Ideas may be limited, as well. How many high quality work is done by 20-somethings? Most are still struggling through grad school. (Darwin was 50 when he published Origin and Newton was 44ish when Principia was published.)

In addition, hope no serious physical disorders develop. And constantly worry of injury.

b) Choose a young body. Eliminate the risk of dying from a silly accident. No brain damage from tripping on the sidewalk (friends grandma), no death from tripping over a dog (Kurt Vonnegut). And no hospital visits for the numerous from things like cancer (the number 1 risk is aging, and presumably your body isn’t aging). I’m going to ignore the paradox of having a body that doesn’t age but having a brain that does. The brain is part of the body, so you shouldn’t be increasing your risk of dementia as you age on top of the cancers.

But assuming that’s still a risk… hope no serious mental deterioration occurs and no diseases. If I had the actual numbers, I might consider them.


Surprisingly, I think I would pick a young body. When I read this question I didn’t think there was a conversation to be had over the best choice. This is fairly surprising. Of course, I’ll get Alzheimer’s and regret my choice, but that’s what happens when you take a risk.


I’m going to end it here, because that took way more time than I expected.

Have a nice night, and if you’d like to answer the questions yourself, they are right here-ish

More Falling in Love

I will never write an obligatory christmas blog


I’ve started writing this at 12:00 (California time). Happy christmas, all. I have almost no family. Haha. My old days consisted of a very busy day. Morning was present time. Afternoon was my aunt and uncle time (also some cousins). My grandma would show up and there would be more present time. (And family time, but really, for kids you just sit off to the side playing with new toys.) Then fun time was interrupted by too-much-food dinner time. Most of the food was strange garbage food, so I ate some turkey or something and forty rolls. People talked all day. Some laughs were had (by not me). My mom, dad, and brother were around all day. Of course, I grew up and became angsty and obnoxious. And the day started to change. My grandma died. One less person. My cousins got old and moved away. Three less people. My aunt and uncle moved to another state. Two less people. Presents were less play inducing. Still had my mom, dad, and brother. My brother, and later, I, moved away for school, but returned every christmas.

Tonight I sit in my childhood home nearly alone. My (other) grandma hurt herself a few days ago. In response my dad and brother went down to her house to help her get through her injuries. That leaves my mom and me.

Tomorrow, I will wake up, give my mom her present, open a few myself, with very little fanfare. The mood will be strange. It’s unavoidable. I won’t see my dad or brother. It will be quiet and simple. The festivities will be short and not very festive. It will be nice, don’t get me wrong, but it will be sad. Today I went to my friends house were a party was raging. People were drinking (old, gross people). People were talking too loud, laughing too much, and crowding me. It wasn’t bad. Even at our most busy, my days were never like that. My family is small. My relatives are spread out or hated or unknown. It was funny coming home to almost the exact opposite atmosphere. A loud house full of family and friends, to a house with just my mom. I don’t mind the quiet. I don’t mind muted atmosphere.

Will you be spending your day with family and friends? A party or a large dinner? Will it be a quiet day with only a few people?

I’ll enjoy my day but I will miss my dad and brother (and my hurt grandma who usually makes the trip).

I will never write an obligatory christmas blog

Feeling Old

I don’t know about you but when I was a kid I could sure as hell waste a day. Whether it was a day of nonstop tv or video games, I could tune out for hours at a time and reluctantly be pulled back to regular life by Monday/school or my mom throwing something at me.

It wasn’t every weekend or all summer long, but a day here and there was easy. I remember sitting in a very uncomfortable rocking chair all day playing Nintendo 64 with soda cans lined up next to me. (Before saying “this is why American children are over weight,” I played sports too and was/sort of am a fit son of a something, so chill out.)

Anyway, today I had no plans. I’ve been sort of busy all week and spending free time reading like a madman, so I gave myself today to binge watch netflix instant or whatever other nothing I wanted to do. About an hour in I was losing my mind. I was watching some random show on netflix that I can’t even remember and already felt the beginnings of a headache. After one more episode I gave up and started reading, Anagrams by Lorrie Moore, and drinking coffee, juice and water.

I already knew that hours of tv annoyed me, but it seems like I can’t do it at all now. Just another thing to add to the list. Fast food is occasionally alright but usually gives me an upset stomach now. Same with soda. Need more sleep. Can’t skip meals as easily. And all of a sudden water feels good to drink. Oh, and posture is important, who knew?

It feels morally and physically wrong to not do anything. Even if it’s as simple as reading a book or going for a walk. Maybe biking downtown to get a cup of coffee and watch people go about their day. Writing a little something. Adding an idea to the list. Or combing through my half ideas I’ve scribbled in my notebook. Something. Anything.

Feeling Old


One of the many areas I’m lacking.
I’m a pretty skinny fella and always have been. Some people might be tempted to attribute this to genes or some mystical metabolism, but I’m just an active son of a gun.
The problem is trying to dress this awkward body. I have come to the realization that t-shirts have formed some sort of alliance against me. I wore them my whole life and apparently this was viewed as an affront somehow because their rebellion is strong. Finding a t-shirt that fits me has become nearly impossible over the past few years. Mediums almost fit. The length is good the sleeve length is good, but(!) the chest is too tight. So much so that I sometimes freak out and feel like I can’t breathe.  Going up a size to a large is a roll of the dice. Sometimes, it’s good. Chest is nice. Length is okay. But most of the time it’s too big everywhere except the chest and it looks like I’m wearing some sort of blanket. Maybe I’ve been doing some sort of extensive chest/shoulder exercises that I’m not aware of. Otherwise, I have no idea what this chest issue is about. What’s been made perfectly clear is I need to get particular about what shirts I buy (online is a no-no) or I need to switch it up.
My youthful casualness has run it’s course and I’m being forced to grow up in attire, though in few other ways. Here are my options. Topless all the time. Ideal for any male or female who loves looking at weird bodies in poor self esteem postures. Not as ideal for me. (Though maybe a helpful exercise just one I’m not ready for.)
Option 2: Dress like a grown person. Throw on a solid button up. I like the idea of having a sort of unofficial uniform. Some of you might know Jason Mantzoukas (Rafi from The League and frequently on Comedy Bang Bang). He’s known for wearing a white oxford and jeans
Einstein did something similar but with a suit and I’m not that classy (yet!).

I don’t know. I used to just throw on any t-shirt and shorts, or jeans, and head out. Now I have to think about which shirt fits well enough to get me through the day without making me want to tear it off and throw it in a fire. I’d just wear large’s but half the time they make me look like an elementary school kid wearing his older brothers clothes. I’m an adult for goodness sake, I shouldn’t look like a preteen skateboarder. nyjah skate Works for this kid though.


I’m just a loser in a t-shirt, jeans, I don’t fucking care.