It’s hard to figure out how the last year went.
I’d like to measure some sort of difference, that’s the best way I can think of to see change. Finding a slope or taking the differential. So if I add up all the ways I feel I have worth, subtract my worth from a year ago, am I net positive or negative? Then I have to consider how to define a reasonable amount of change. If the progress is infinitesimal, then I might as well round it off. Steps are necessary but if one is moving a millimeter per year, it doesn’t take many assumption to predict that person won’t get very far.
It’s hard to determine what counts without unintentionally padding the odds in my favor to appear better off and better than I am. Do I count writing without considering quality? Do I count ideas without much tangible progress?
I’m not entirely certain how to add everything up and how much each number should be weighted. When there is no destination, it’s hard to find how close you are.
And that’s where I am, it seems. In an abstract. Value and progress are vague. A writer could write a 100000 words and be no closer to a completed idea than someone with a short outline. (Though, the writing exercise may have helped.)
I feel in a place where I’ve started to chip away at the stone but I can’t see the other side. My stone is a mountain. I don’t know when to stop, where the curves should go, or what the end product will even look like. I’m just blindly working away at the stone. When you work like this, there’s no telling what you’ll end up with. It could be beautiful or it could be a mess. It may be unfinished, but then the progress might be enough.
I’m about 5 days late on this end of the year analysis, but maybe that’s a good summary of me for now. Always a little behind, never paying much attention, and getting on with it all the same.
It is a bit worrying that in ten years, the situation could be as ill-defined as it is now. That in ten years, the progress will be equally flimsy. I have to do what I can to avoid being in the same position for the rest of my life and never accomplishing anything like what I hope to accomplish. It is a reality I must face, though. Hopefully, the weight of it doesn’t take me down.