My best friend asked me to be his best man… surprise? It should have been expected, but I have a hard time allowing myself to expect anything. Rather I prepare for everything and expect nothing. One of the responsibilities I have as best man is throwing the bachelor party. Unfortunately, I am one of the least experienced partiers in the western world. I don’t drink alcohol. I’ve never tried any recreational drugs. (Translate to: I’m incredibly boring.) I don’t have a problem with being surrounded by flowing drinks, but organizing something I’ve never been a part of is a daunting task. Oh, well. That’s not the part I’m worried about.
The “serious” issue. The speech. Besides public speaking issues (oh, boy), I have to write the damn thing. Now, the wedding doesn’t have a date, so, essentially, my time table is infinite right now. That’s somewhat relieving, but not much.
Looking online at the structure of these speeches, they tend to follow a simple format. Intro with who you are. Relate a humorous story of your meeting and budding friendship. Reveal a few funny and slightly embarrassing secrets, but nothing serious. (Stay away from serious previous relationships, but his perceived inadequacies are fair play. I’ll probably stay away from this.) The stories can be a little risque but not crude (aka make them boring and harmless). Follow with a serious moment of how close you are and the kind of person he is. Sprinkle light humor in the compliments. (No opportunity can escape! Don’t be vulnerable up there!) End with something “serious” about how good of a person he is. Preferably something cliche that can be used at any other wedding with only needing to change the name of the groom. Oh, and reference how lucky he is to have found his now wife somewhere in there.
All of that is a problem for people with a dry and dark sense of humor. As you could tell from my analysis of the structure, I’m a cynical prick. But I’m also hopelessly sentimental. My instinct would be to make fun of weddings and best man speeches, call myself an idiot, tell my friends I love them, hug them and cry. Obviously, I’m going to have to flesh that out a bit.