I watched someone be put into the ground today. Reading the funeral invitation physically hurts me. My chest constricts. I can feel my blood slow and my body weaken. I never met this person. She lived across from my parents for the last few years. She wasn’t even 40 yet. Diagnosed with cancer and died in less than a year. My mom tells me she was hopeful at first but things took a quick turn. The last time my mom saw her, she had accepted what was coming. Weeks later she was gone. It’s enviable, and probably necessary. Eternity makes each moment pointless. I have to notice this moment because I know moments have an upper limit.
I want to prevent any sadness from entering your life but I can’t. It’s not possible and it’s not my place anyway. You are an individual, not something I control. Instead I’ll stay back until you want some help.
I’ll be here. I’ll be ready. Waiting. Listening. Whatever you like. But I know better than to jump in where I’m not wanted. I know, at least for a while, it’ll make you hate me. But worse than that it won’t allow you to grow on your own. I can’t do that to you. I’m not sure what you’ll be, but I’m certain it’s not my decision.